Based on this title you might thing I've given up on believing in myself ... if that's the case bear with me.
About a month ago a teammate and I were talking about life here compared to life back in the states. We landed in country on the same day so our last memories of America are both from ten months ago.
At one point he joked and said "Remember what it was like to actually be good at something?" I laughed in response, but his words could not be more true. Honestly life here makes it hard to remember the days when I didn't have to use a lot of brain power to order food. I didn't have to worry about not having the right vocabulary to talk to my landlord (or in those days my RD ;) about a problem with our apartment. I didn't feel like everyday was just as hard as the one before because everyday everyday I am learning something vital I did not know the day before.
Then there is work and WOW what a crazy collaboration of cultures we work with! The cultural norms are ALWAYS changing depending on what culture I am currently interacting with. This makes getting it "right" nearly impossible without months of practice under my belt, maybe even years until I can switch from one cultural lens to another and not be completely ignorant.
I thought I knew the Bible "well" ... whatever that means!.. , but that was through my own cultural lens. Now I am working within many NEW cultural lenses and that changes the way we talk about the Bible. It's the same Bible, same content, but coming at it from an angle that resonates with these cultures, not mine. Needless to say I feel like I'm learning how to look at the Bible as ONE redemptive story in a way I never had before.
A productive day used to include a nice 15 mile run, an hour or more with the Lord, getting all of my homework or paperwork done before 5, meeting with a friend of two for coffee, joining my family for dinner and reading a book or taking a walk after dinner.
Today a productive day means having just enough to get through my day. I'll run 5 miles if I'm lucky, I'll sit down just for enough time to eat breakfast with some God time, I'll travel for one to two hours (one way), I'll work, I'll get home past 7, cook dinner (sometimes, if I have enough energy ... did you know we can have almost any restaurant deliver food to our door!) and finish off the day catching up with someone from back home, watching a movie with my friends or reading a book by myself.
I've always identified myself as a productive person and if I compare the two it can be easy to feel like a failure seeing as lifestyle number one seemed a lot more productive and I had a lot more energy to get through my days.
Yet the Lord didn't call me to be productive he called me to be obedient.
I'm being HUMBLED in a way I never knew I needed. My limited capacity reminds me everyday that God is greater and it is only through His power that He can use me to make a difference on this side of the world.
Although in rationality as a child of God I know this is a good thing. It's a lot harder to believe it in my heart. Not miss the "good old days," Lord how ??
But this morning as I was running and listening to Matthew one scripture stuck out to me like it has never before:
"Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 18:3
Instantly I knew, God you are using this time to help me become like a child. I mean quite literally I am a child when it comes to my language ability, my capacities are lower like a child and I need more sleep to function well just as children require more sleep than adults.
I've never been able to understand the personal application to that scripture so well as I did today.
Now this doesn't mean to apply this verse we must all move to a foreign land where the language is hard and we don't know a lick of it. That's one of the MANY amazing things about our Lord. He uses all of our different situations to make us more like His Son.
Where is He humbling you? Maybe he is trying to show you what it is like to become a child.
If that is the case, don't fight it. Just let it be. What you will discover on the other side far surpasses staying on this side because He has promised it so.
Praise the Lord for His greatness, let's learn what it means to be children - even if that means no longer feeling good at anything.