For as long as I can remember I have always valued things being clean. Everything has a place. Keeping spaces clean and organized is basically my love language and one of my biggest pet peeves is inviting people into my space if it's not clean.
I don't want people to see my physical dirt, but what about the dirt in my heart?
I've recently discovered the difficulty I face in letting other people see the dirt inside of me. I want to take care of things myself and only let people see the clean and put together me. Yet what happens is I start to pretend everything inside is clean and put together, when in reality dirt is building up. It isn't until the dirt if just too much for me to handle that I grudgingly let others in to help.
These past few months I let a lot of dirt build up insde of me. I walked around pretending everything was okay, but everytime I pretended more and more bitterness built up. It finally got to the point where I needed help, I needed to let others see my dirt.
So I called a house meeting and we talked. At first I just wanted to avoid the situation. It felt so tempting to bring up a different subject and keep all the dirt, bitterness and frustration inside. But then, I let it out.
I hated it. After I shared I felt appalled at myself. So much gunk. So much unpleasantness.
But it was real And strangely the more we talked the more peace I felt. I couldn't believe that after all this dirt these girls still cared about me. They didn't see me any differently.
It's not the first time I've gotten caught up believing the lie that to find favor with others I need to keep my frustrations to myself. Obviously there is always a time and place for sharing such things, but this conversation really helped me see how much I idolize having a life that is put together. I know a problem free life does not exist. Yet a life where I can deal with all my own dirt .... hmm how great would that be?
But then where would our need for the Cross be? Wow is Jesus good at reminding us who He is through all of life's circumstances!
All of my striving and all of my weariness could have been relieved a lot sooner if only I was willing to reveal my dirt.
I am so thankful for a community that makes room to share our burdens with one another. And I am even more thankful for a God who loves us even through our messiest moments. He's waiting for that moment when we say Jesus I can't do this alone- here's my dirt, what should we do with it?