"For me to live is Christ. To die is gain."
Such conviction lies in those words. I lay here in bed, cuddled under a blanket, stealing a few moments of warmth in a place with no heat and a few moments of reprieve from a constant onslaught of Arabic. My brain hurts. My whole body is cold. I needed a break. So I lay here, listening to music, trying to get my brain to relax as quickly as possible. Because I know I need to be out there, socializing, building relationships, and learning/practicing Arabic. I want to do that...at least I tell myself I do.
But if I'm honest with myself, that's the last thing I want to do. I really don't want to go out there and face an onslaught of unintelligible words...words I don't understand, but should. Words that allow for communication with the sweet family I'm staying with. Words that they desperately want me to understand. Words (many of them, though by no means all) that my teammate understands...and I don't. I don't want to go back out there, to constantly look her direction to see if by chance she understood what was said. And I don't want to be told again: she understands more than you...even though it's true.
I don't want to go out there. I should want to. After all, that's why I'm here. But I'd rather lay here. I'd rather hide out. So I lay here. Eventually I'll go back. I'll pull myself together and face again the exhaustion of unfamiliarity. But not yet.
As I lay here, the song "To Live Is Christ" began playing. I've heard this song many many times. But today it struck me anew. To die is gain. That I've learned. I've wrestled with it. I've given my life. I've become ok with it. And honestly, I feel like I understand Paul when he says "I'd rather depart but know it's for your good for me to stay." This life is hard. And I often wish to escape it. So dying no longer strikes me as hard (at least in the same way).
But "to live is Christ." That's hard. To treasure life fully. To embrace the hardships. To choose to get back up, to go outside, and to show love to people, even when exhausted...and unable to communicate clearly.
"My great desire is to be with you...but this is the place you chose for me. This is the place you chose for me...to lift my cross and give everything. This is the time you gave to me. This is the time you gave to me. ...For me to live is Christ."
So as I lay here, I ponder on that. I ponder what it means to treasure living, just as I treasure Christ. Do I really treasure either one? Living means dying to self. And that is so much harder. I may have committed to go halfway across the world. But let me say, once here, that means nothing! Because just getting on the plane is step one. Living for Christ in every moment: that's where the battle is. And that battle, though different by location, is exactly the same. Living for Christ in the moment is a constant dying to self, no matter where you live. It's facing the struggles of life, no matter what they are, to embrace life...as Christ. To live fully for Him. And that, my friends, I have no idea how to do. But, the Lord leads us on paths to teach us what we need to become more like Him. So I guess this is the path I need... Now, if only I can convince my heart of that. If I can convince my heart to want to be here, embracing life.
And what song came up next? "Christ Is Enough For Me."
"I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. The cross before me, the world behind me, no turning back. The cross before me, the world behind me, no turning back. Christ is enough for me. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in you. Everything I need. Christ is enough for me. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in you. Everything I need."
Lord, teach me what it means for you to be enough. Because deep down I know I don't believe that. Teach me to value life here. To embrace struggle as death to self. Because that's not what I do naturally. In my mind, if something is hard, then it's bad...and something needs to change. But that's not your way O Lord.