The past few weeks have felt like an emotional game of redlight-greenlight. I've gone from being fully funded, with a job and expecting to leave, to a restarted visa process and an ambiguously delayed departure, and have now been given a potential opportunity to leave soon. Soon as in, sneeze and you're on the plane. So my heart has been fluctuating between itching to leave and finding solace in being home. We've been told in training to make sure to say our goodbyes well before leaving, but uncertainty of my departure date has made that hard to do so far. To have that suddenly flipped on its head by saying I should consider leaving within 2 weeks - it's alarming! I'm hoping to make a decision about my departure soon, but as I've been thinking and praying and processing, I've been looking for the ways I can be thankful for the time I've had and find the peace to leave.
The biggest thing that has helped me so far has been to stop and appreciate the opportunities I've been given for the first time in years:
For the first time in four years, since leaving for college in another state, I've had a peaceful birthday at home with my family. I still saw family, or would sometimes even be able to go home, but whether or not I could get home, there could be no real peace on my birthday while still in school, or when a trip home required a lot of planning and stressing over the time, money and travel it would require. But I didn't have any of those things on my shoulders this year. I could just be home and go out with family without having anything I had put off for the next day to worry about.
For the first time since my family moved to a new home in a new state, almost three years ago, I've been able to see Autumn in this new place. The Fall is my favorite season, and the vast number of trees here change colors beautifully, but since I was always in school at the time, I'd only gotten to see pictures of the changing colors before now. This year, I was able to experience it for myself.
For the first time in years, I got the chance to help my little sister with her Halloween costume! I may be too old to trick-or-treat myself, but being here has afforded me the blessing to be around and available to help her think of her costume and make it too! It was a chance to put time and energy into something for her, which hasn't always been possible with a ten-year age gap and only being home in the summer or winter breaks, when work, internships, and extra classes demanded my time. This was a way I could show love for her that she can remember while I'm gone.
So although I'm nervous for what lies ahead and the decision I have to make, I can still stop and be thankful for the ways God has blessed me in this time, and the memories I'm storing up to take with me when I go.