Right now is an exciting time of celebration - two of my team mates are fully funded and one has already deployed! But if I'm going to be honest, there's a part of me that is disappointed. At the beginning of the summer, my goal was to leave at the end of this month. Actually, with that goal, I would have already left! I'm disappointed in myself for not making more phone calls, getting more appointments, spending more time working. I'm disappointed that my flight isn't one of the ones that is already booked. There is this growing heap of disappointments piling up on me, but it all comes down to this: I've disappointed myself with my results.
I'm continually being reminded that it is all in the Lord's timing, and that I will leave when He wants me to. That it's okay if the results seem slow in coming, because God will work it out. In some ways, that's nice, and thoughtful, but in other ways, I think it's more enabling than people realize. For those who don't already know this about me, I am a HUGE procrastinator. I once turned a college project in (worth 25% of my total grade) less than a minute before its submission was due online. Late submissions would not be accepted. I had done a little bit of preparation for it, but I essentially put together the whole thing - the research, the paper, the PowerPoint presentation- that day. When the grades came back, I had done really well on it. So I was proud of it. It became a great story about how I was able to crank out great work in little time. And it enabled me to continue procrastinating and expect success. Note that I am writing this month’s blog post on the last day of the month…
But that’s not how support-raising works. I can’t goof around anymore. I can’t work half-heartedly and expect to rush and get all of my support in the night it’s due in to make a departure date happen. If I do that, things won’t pan out, and that date will just get moved back. My mind keeps telling me that’s why I’m not getting the results I want.
But should I really be focused on the results anyways? Hebrews 11 and 12 talk about living our lives in faith and hope of the promises of God, and running the race with our eyes fixed on Jesus. 1 Corinthians 9:24 tells us to run the race as if we were striving for a prize that only one can win. In Philippians 3:13-14, Paul says he is straining forward, pressing on toward the goal, and in Acts 20:24 Luke says that he is only focused on completing the task Jesus has given him. As I read these things, I can only think that I’ve been too focused on the outcomes, rather than trusting God with them, and focusing on my own efforts to live out the call God has placed on me with as much perseverance and dedication as I can.