As most if not all of us know (though hopefully all of us have learned this by now), life doesn't always turn out like we plan. That's been especially true for me lately as things have taken a pretty significant turn. For a variety of reasons, my supervisors decided to end the internship early, meaning I'm less than three weeks away from going home... for good. I would not have anticipated that two years ago, heck, even two months ago, but like I said, life doesn't always turn out like we plan.
About a month ago now, I was posed with the question, "If Jesus was standing right in front of you and asked you, 'What would you like Me to do for you?'", how would you answer? This question led to some deep soul-searching, the most I've ever listened to my heart, maybe ever. Out of that question, the answer became very clear: give me rest. It's been a crazy year and a half, full of hardships and joys and everything in between. Still, factors both external and internal led to ongoing battles with loneliness and exhaustion. In some ways it felt like continuing on would've meant pushing forward for the sake of pushing foward - which I'm sure I could have done, though that wouldn't have been healthy for me.
I've struggled a lot with calling during my time here in Thailand. From the very beginning, I put so much pressure on myself to "find my life calling" - as if there's only one - to the point that it became a bit obsessive, even idolatrous. Early on, God spoke to me, saying, "Gary, you don't have to be here forever. You know I let you choose where you wanted to go for these two years and I never force my children to do anything." I quickly realized that your "life calling" may not be singular, and for some of us, may not even be to a certain place or people group for the rest of our lives. I've had friends that have visited a place and without an ounce of doubt ended up marrying the culture, sometimes even literally. I pressured myself to have a calling similar to other people's but certainly not my own.
If I can urge future Goers in anything, it's to not let "the call" become an idol and taint what God may want to do in and through you during your two years. You very well may not be called to your country forever and that's okay. It doesn't mean those two years are useless or fruitless. God's ways are mysterious and there may be myriad reasons why God's brought you there for that season. In other words, be free from the idol of calling. In American and even Christian culture, we're encouraged to follow our dreams and be "difference makers" in the world, but how much more freeing life is when we're free from that! I'm not saying such encouragements are entirely bad, but we do need to be careful when we seek to make a difference in the world. A good question to ask ourselves is, where's our heart at when we desire to be difference-makers?
I've got about two and a half weeks left in this beautiful country. I tend to be very future-minded, so my greatest temptation will be (and already has been) not being present and moving on too fast. However, this time of transition is a wonderful time; truly, it's just if not as important as the new beginning looming on my horizon. I'm committed to enjoying this process, taking the time to say my goodbyes and finish well, and relishing in all God's done the past year and a half. He's done a lot, after all.