August and September were incredibly slow. There wasn't much going on as nearly all ministry activities ceased and we were given a sort of "break" from the internship. Slow as they were, we had ample time to reflect on our first year here in Bangkok (we just hit this October 7th - wahoo!). This time of reflection culminated in a short, two-week trip to Manila, Philippines, to visit one of our sister teams in a slum called Botocan. A refreshing time relationally and spiritually, there were many things I took away from that trip, all of which have remained with me, even three weeks later.
One was the conviction that I have not been very present this past year. Inevitably, there will always be a large piece of me back home in America; to fully detach myself from home would be near impossible. That being said, things like social media haven't helped too much when I've been homesick, lonely, or tired. It's all too easy to check out and miss out on what's going on around me (or not to deal with my emotions) via social media. In the Philippines, we had little to no internet access, which forced me to be fully present and deal with myself in ways I hadn't been able to in Bangkok.
Another was the conviction that has come up over and over again my entire life, that is, the conviction that I'm way too hard on myself and need to give myself more grace. The reality is, I'm human. I'm not perfect and never will be. I'll continue to make mistakes for as long as I live and I shouldn't let the fear of messing up keep me from taking risks that need to be taken. As long as I stay in community, seek God, and give Him my best, I'll be fine. It doesn't mean I'll never experience hurt or pain or heartache or never be in danger. What it does mean is that at the end of the day, everything is in God's hands and that alone is enough. Recently, I've needed a lot of grace in the area of language. When I'm tired or not understanding every bit of Thai I'm hearing, grace takes the place of beating myself up and getting frustrated. It's amazing how freeing that is.
I was also affirmed in the realization I've had about self-care the past couple months. Self-care is incredibly important and it's not enough to just have "off days." Really, it's important to rest well. Rather than bingewatching shows or checking out on social media, which don't tend to be very restful, there are better things I can do, like spend more intentional time with God, take naps, journal, work out, or spend time with people. Abiding in God is something I felt I was able to do more of and do better in the Philippines; while part of this might have been due to the spiritual atmosphere there, really, I can take more initiative in making that happen wherever I am. It needn't be said that abiding in God is the crux of the spiritual life.
Being present, extending myself more grace, and resting well are all things I've struggled with this past year. At times I've done them well and other times I've been terrible at them. In the past few weeks since returning from the Philippines, I've been able to improve in these areas a little bit, though I'd like to do them even better. If you're reading this, I give you permission to keep me accountable for these things. I also want to challenge you to do the same, to improve in these areas too, as you feel led. I truly believe that as we do these things, every area of our lives will improve. Even if our circumstances don't change we'll at least change internally because of the Joy and Freedom we'll have found. Let's do this!
Photo: At Sakahang Lilok, an organic farm retreat center about an hour outside of Metro-Manila.