I've been in Bangkok for five and a half weeks now. Comparing the place I was in five weeks ago versus the place I'm in now, it seems like a world of a difference. Although I've constantly been reminded that adjusting to a new culture is a slow and difficult process, I haven't been very gracious to myself about it. When things have been difficult, which I knew was bound to happen, I have scrutinized myself to the point where I have felt like something is wrong with me. The biggest example has been with my faith. It needn't be said that my faith has changed drastically over the last several years, especially in college and my time as a Bible major. My faith has been shaken to the point of seeming no longer existent; the old foundation was thrown out while a new one was rebuilt. Coming to Thailand and adjusting to a new culture, it felt like my faith had been thrown out again. It was almost as if I had lost myself, the self that's been built and continually renovated over the past 22 years. In frantic self-scrutinization, I felt like something was wrong with me. Up until this past week, I would have told you that my faith was in the worst place it'd ever been in, that I felt so distant from God and because of that I was disqualified to be here. Although I'm not sure anything qualifies us other than the calling God has for us, I don't think any of that was as true as it felt. It made for a great cover-up, though. This past week, I have come to realize what was actually happening within me, and yes, it is this simple: I was adjusting. When your whole life is turned upside down, when you leave behind everything and everyone you've ever known and start life anew somewhere else, there's a bit of internal chaos, especially at first. You have to adjust to a new way of life, from tasks as ordinary as doing laundry (we don't have dryers in our community so we hang up our clothes to dry) to more significant challenges such as overcoming a language barrier (I'm glad we're taking Thai class for at least a year, if not more). You also have to adjust to a new sense of self. Of course, it isn't a new self you are adjusting to; you're still who you are, you're just having to figure out how you, the "you" you've come to know, fit into a new environment and a new way of life. That being said, as I extend grace to myself and embrace the challenge that adapting to a new culture is, I have chosen to focus my attention on two practices in particular: joy and gratitude. Both are a choice and both require intentionality. And so, right now, here in this blog post, I practice gratitude:
- I am thankful for P'Koo Lap, an older woman and cook at a restaurant right down the street from my apartment. If I've eaten anywhere most it would be her restaurant. Her food is incredibly delicious and joy emanates from her immensely.
- I am thankful for two apartments, freshly painted before we arrived, for the other three interns and I to live in. We have tile floors, which are easy to clean. We have an American toilet, which you can comfortably sit on. Our shower is a shower head on the wall of the bathroom. We have been blessed with more comforts than I expected to have.
- I am thankful for a team who appreciates and welcomes vulnerability and imperfection. I felt incredibly disqualified to be a part of this ministry, yet the staff saw what I considered to be disqualifications as things that actually made me even more qualified to be a part of the team.
- I am thankful for continual financial provision, that God provides for all my daily needs and more, for example, having the option to go to the movies on my Sabbath.
- I am thankful for a huge team of ministry partners back in the States who pray for and encourage me on a regular basis. None of us may ever understand how powerful their prayers are, but I am certain I could not do any of this without them.
- I am thankful for the office space my team has and for the generosity of the Thai Peace Foundation to share that space with us. I have my own desk, access to a kitchen, and air conditioning, among other things there.
The list is endless; those are just a few of the things I am thankful for. I have been blessed with much and I do my best not to take it for granted. I'll be honest, I do take it for granted sometimes. Sometimes I complain, albeit to myself, or find myself discontent with the hardships or comforts I'm lacking here. That is exactly why I am especially choosing to practice joy and gratitude. Doing so has already radically changed the way I view Bangkok, the ministry here, and my role in it. I am sure it will continue to do so, too.