Today is my ninth day in Bangkok. Being this early in the internship, it still feels like a vacation or another study abroad program. I feel like I'm only going to be here for a few months, at most; it's hard to wrap my mind around being here for two years. It's strange, this whole moving-and-serving-abroad thing. I'm not sure what I expected it to be or to feel like, but it's already surpassed any expectations I could have had. I knew it would be that way, though. There's always a disparity between the abstract and reality - once the two merge, the former is swallowed up by the latter.
The time spent at home - by home I mean the Pacific Northwest - between support raising training and departure day, was a wild ride. There were many lows and hardships, but many highs and victories too. Trusting God to provide both financially and relationally as I put together a team of ministry partners. Adjusting to living at home again after living on my own for four years. These are just a couple of things that epitomize those highs and lows.
If I'm being honest, I didn't feel ready when I departed for Bangkok. Sure, there wasn't a whole lot of training beforehand - but personally, spiritually, and emotionally, I didn't feel ready. I'm not sure what needed to be done in order for me to feel ready. Relationally, I had all of the conversations I felt needed to be had; I said my goodbyes. Spiritually, I sought God in prayer, worship, and Word as diligently as I could amidst a crazy schedule. Physically, I ate fairly healthy and got into a good rhythm of working out on a regular basis. Overall, I would say I was healthy and in a good place. So what was up with the feeling of not being prepared? Maybe it was fear disguised as unpreparedness.
It was hard leaving home. Even if I haven't consciously recognized it until now, it's difficult leaving everyone and everything you've ever known behind at all, let alone for two years. The reality, though, is that change in life is inevitable. More often than not, we may never feel ready for whatever life throws our way - all we are left with is the present moment and what we choose to do with it. I can sit here, stuck in the past, missing the comforts of home, or I can focus on the here and now. Life in Bangkok isn't going to be easy. Spiritually, there is a lot of darkness here. Physically, there are new discomforts here we never dealt with at home. Emotionally and mentally, we're probably going to be processing more than we'll be able to handle at times. But that's okay. That's what community is for, that's what God is for, and that's what living and serving abroad is all about. It's about letting go, remembering where you come from yet who you are, and running forward. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and we might as well take our time with it. I'm not saying we should be lazy and waste time; neither am I encouraging incessant busyness and overproductivity. It's about finding a rhythm - a healthy rhythm of work and rest - and at the end of the day, resting in God's grace and trusting that He is sovereign over all things.
These next two years aren't going to be easy - but if I stay intentional, if I work well and rest well, if I seek God above all else and surrender everything to Him, everything's going to be okay. It is in Him I trust.