Today is the start of week 4 for support raising and my emotions have been nothing but a rollercoaster. Over the past 3 weeks I have been happy, sad, encouraged, discouraged, conflicted, excited, joyful, and honestly, at points, even angry. Here’s why:
Let me tell you, God has place some AMAZING people in my life, people that I’m pretty sure would give their left arm to see me succeed (maybe a little exaggerated but then again, maybe not). The way people have become just as passionate about this journey as I have has completely blown me away. There is nothing better than being in an appointment and me pouring my heart out and having the other person light up and want to go all in because they are just as excited as I am. I love when God touches another person’s heart and it becomes so evident on their face and through their emotions (I’m not entirely sure if I’m describing this phenomena right but let me tell you it is amazing when it happens and when you experience it you know it). God has started opening a lot of doors and the generosity of people and care of people has completely lifted me up and given me so much energy and assurance that I’m doing exactly what God wants.
You would think that all of those emotions would make me want to have appointments all day every day because I want to share my passion with everyone and have everyone become just as passionate as me. Well, yes and no. To have appointment requires reaching out to people, mainly via phone, and I may very well be the most awkward person on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, I trip over words, I’m afraid of sounding ridiculous or letting there be silence, I tend to accidently interrupt people… basically I just come a hot mess, most of which is in my head but some of which is real. Plus I’m not very smart when it comes to technology, so keeping my database organized and updated can be a struggle, as well as finding people’s phone numbers and contact information. Sometimes all of this becomes so daunting that I become apathetic and decide to do nothing instead (which is really dumb and not helpful in any way). Luckily I have a handful of people who keep encouraging me, they are my own personal cheerleaders, they listen to me complain and rant and they also celebrate and rejoice with me. To them I say thank you because your support keeps me going when I get down on myself.
Speaking of being down on myself there has been one issue that has been heavy on my heart for a while now and is causing me to be down on myself frequently, work. Against everyone’s advice I’ve kept my job at Chipotle. It was recommended to not work over the summer in order to be completely dedicated to partnership development. Over the past 5 years though I generally worked 2 or 3 jobs while being a student so I thought I could handle it, I would know how to juggle it all. I was wrong and this became evident last week. My coach had and honest conversation with me about the fact that I’m already behind, I didn’t want to believe him but it’s true, I tried to make excuses like the fact that it was the first couple weeks and I was still figuring it all out but I wasn’t being real with myself. After talking to my coach last week I was so discouraged, I didn’t know what I should do, I wanted to keep my job and I convinced myself I needed it for different financial commitments I had. The past week I wrestled with God and evaluated everything regarding the situation. Why was it I wanted to keep working? Was I afraid to let this job go? Was I afraid God wouldn’t provide over the summer? Well here’s what I’ve discovered. I wanted my job because it was a place I felt I had control. When I’m at work I know what I’m doing and I’m good at it so it’s fun and a place where my success depends on me. I also have friends at my job that I enjoy spending time with and I was afraid to give that up, I like going to work and feeling accepted. I was also afraid of no longer having control over my finances and I was afraid of what other people would think, I didn’t trust that God would provide. I wanted to hold on to what I wanted and not let go and do what God wanted so all week I kept feeling Him pushing me saying, “Trust me.” On my foot I have a tattoo that says “Surrender” and it is my reminder to always be surrendering to God, and here is one of those times. I’m surrendering my short term desires to fulfill His long term desires, I’m surrendering my fear in complete trust that He will provide, I’m surrendering myself so He can be known. Am I scared? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Do I trust God knows what He’s doing? Yes.
I have 9 weeks left to make this happen. There are 9 weeks left for God to prepare me. Only 9 weeks left, until God takes me to Germany.