This is a really good convicting and challenging video from Francis Chan. In my time here, serving the poor, it is messages like these that encourage and lift my spirit. The Lord is so faithful and good to us. He calls us to pore our hearts and souls into helping the poor. This is what life following Christ is all about. I hope that as you watch this video, the Lord will open your heart and share His passions and desires for your life.
When I was listening to Francis Chan speak, the Lord convicted my own actions and how I always just walk away sad, not truly seeking redemption or change. Change is a hard process. I know first-hand. There are so many things that I struggle with on a day to day basis, both in my life back home in the United States and now here living in Bangkok, Thailand. But I want to push myself, challenge myself, and allow the Lord to change me. I want to seek redemption. I want to seek fulfillment from the Lord and only Him.
A little while ago, I wrote a journal entry that showed just how broken I was feeling and how much brokenness I have been internalizing, but also showed God's goodness. Here is a glimpse of some things I wrote down:
Why do things have to be so hard? Why do we struggle so much? Why is this world so messed up? All around me, I am crowded with confusion, loneliness, emptiness, a need for something more. I look around me, I look at the people, I look at idols and the sacrifices, and all I see is brokenness. There is so much brokenness all around me. And in the midst, I have never felt so broken and lost. Seriously though, I am not writing to be a pessimistic, but I feel so alone and lost. I am in a desert. A huge desert that I feel I cannot get out sometimes lord. I desire you more, I want you more, but I feel as though I can never reach you. Lord, I need you. I need you so much. I don’t think I have any more tears to cry but yet they still fall down my face. I cry for myself. I cry for the people around me. I cry for the loneliness, the emptiness, for our humanity. I look all around me and my heart breaks. I see women seeking comfort and love from other women. I see men changing their entire appearance and gender in order to be the “woman” image they desire. I see so many children being groomed by their grandmothers, mothers, and families into becoming something they were not exactly created to be. I see sexuality and immorality all around me. I see drunkenness and emptiness everywhere. I see people trying to fill themselves up so they don’t have to feel their brokenness anymore. I see men and women huddled around a table for hours gambling, day in and day out. I see children neglected, children wondering around. I see men and women objectify other men and women. I see the eyes of the children hungering for love and someone to listen and just give them time. I see thousands of men and women, youth and children on their phones playing games, chatting, sending stickers, or just doing something to pass their time and lives away. I see desperation. I see people searching for something they don’t even know exists. I see people sacrificing, worshipping and making merit to gods that are just objects, not truth. I see my own struggles and sins follow me everywhere I go. I feel like I can never get away from humanity. I feel as though I keep searching for a safe place, a place to be with you but I can never find it. And I feel as though you are not there, even though I know you are. This is what I see, but God, what is it that you see? I am so curious. Although I see the pain and brokenness, the feelings of hopelessness, and I know you see it too, I wonder what you feel God? I know you must be breaking even more. That although you have always been faithful to your people, faithfulness has not been given to you. The faith is missing. But in this broken messed-up world, I also see your love. I see the little boy that looks at me and hugs me because I am there. God you are here. You are real. You love, seriously love us. I see you when I see the true smiles that are generally given by the Thai's. I see you when someone sees me and is afraid I am going to get run over so they grab my hand and lead me across the street. I see you when I am just so tired that someone gets up from their seat on the bus and lets me sit. I see it when I look so confused and lost, and someone stops and attempts to help me even though communication is tough. I see you when I am in the middle of a shower and I here a knock on the door, and I get out dripping-wet and there are two boys holding a rose to give me. I see you when I am just sitting in silence with the people around me, not caring that sometimes silence can feel awkward. I see you when I am crying in the middle of a deserted alley and an elderly Thai man just stares at me--wondering if the crazy white girl is okay. I see you when the little kids make me notes telling me how much they love me and I am apart of their family. I see you when an elderly woman's face lights up when we buy her pineapple. I see you when a man who is clinically depressed smiles so hard when you greet him, especially by name. I see you when a Thai friend just gets on the bus and makes sure the bus driver knows you have to get to the sky0train safely because of protests. I see you when I just walk onto the streets and the people around me look so sad, but when you smile and say hi, instantly their faces light up. I see you when the guard near school greets you with the biggest smile. I see you when our local food vendor gives you a little extra pineapple just because. I see you when I am getting eaten up by mosquitoes and my community leader rubs tiger balm over the bites out of nowhere. Wow God, thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your grace and love. Thank you that you are here and although there is so much brokenness, your love is still here healing and encountering people. Thank you for being in the eyes and hearts in the people around me. Although they may not know you yet, their eyes and smiles show your love and faithfulness. May I remember your love and faithfulness daily. May I remind myself you are here. You are Always Here. You will Never leave Me or those I have come to love all around me.
As I reflect on this journal entry, I am so in awe of God's goodness. Again Lord, thank you for your love, truth, and faithfulness. May I take steps to allow You to change my heart and actions Lord. May I seek redemption and change that only comes from You Abba Father. May I be changed by You.