Imagine moving to another country for two years and one of the first things you hear is: “fat.” Fat is a three-letter-word that makes my world turn upside down. It is a word that people have defined my very own existence with. It is a word that makes my heart turn bitter.
Yes, I understand it is not a secret that I am of a larger weight build, but I never imagined the Lord would bring me to a place where I constantly get called “fat” on a daily basis. The thing is, if I am completely honest, it isn’t only the three-letter-word that affects me, but it’s the many painful memories that the word brings back into my thoughts. The memories from my childhood where I was constantly called names and made fun of by family members, school peers, church peers, and countless of others. This struggle is very real in my life. It has been a battle that never seems to go away.
One of my first experiences within my community was having a group of ten or more Thai adults laugh at me, point their fingers at me and call me “fat” (of course its conveniently one of the only words they know in English). To be honest, I really wanted to punch them and fly back to the States; I was so done with being ridiculed. I mean come on, I anticipated struggling with culture shock, loneliness, home-sickness, language barriers, even being surrounded by people worshipping false idols, but this was never on my agenda. I can go on and on with stories, countless of stories where I began to feel ugly and very different from all of those around me—even the few other interns and missionaries on my team.
Why am I mentioning this? For me, this is a hard topic to open-up about, especially on my blog but this is my reality and I feel like its important to share one of the hardest struggles of my entire life. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love the people here, they might always call me fat but they are also not as judgmental as those I have crossed paths with, especially in the States. Generally, the men and women begin telling me I am beautiful, but—yes, there is always a “but, you are fat.” Although at first I understood the need for people to talk about something, and weather is definitely not an interesting topic here since it never changes, but being retold day after day that essentially I am not good enough by the way I look gets old. But then something happened. Not something supernatural like God making me skinny overnight—even though I would not oppose, haha—but God encountered me. Every time I felt like running away from the words and the laughs, God would remind me and whisper “Sarah, I love you. I think you’re beautiful.” Such a simple word, ‘beautiful,’ but it has the power to change an individual—especially a female.
I never thought the Thai nation would be so very outspoken with physical attributes, but through these last almost two months, God has begun to show me how He wants to use my weakness and change me to help others. Although I never thought that there would be advantages to being the way I am, God had other ideas. For example, an advantage that I find comical is feeling safe here. Some of the girls on my team experience many sensual and degrading looks or comments from men, but I don’t. I feel safe when I walk through a group of men because I know I am beautiful, but I am not what they are looking for—and that’s alright for me. A HUGE advantage is being able to pore into the girls and even boys in my community who also struggle with weight. Especially this one 11-year-old, she is very shy and timid. Some of the other fids called her fat, but I looked right at her and I said I think you are beautiful. Her eyes glowed with love, acceptance, and admiration. Over the last couple weeks, I am pretty sure she noticed how I too struggle when people say things, but I have found my response being “I am so strong!” The other day, she came up to me and said “Pee Sarah, I am strong too!” while she held her arms up and showed her muscles. Or there is another girl who just turned 14 today. She also is of a larger build, but when I tell her she is beautiful, her entire demeanor changes and she has the biggest smile on her face.
I am not going to lie and say, God has completely freed me from my struggles of weight and acceptance of beauty; but what I can honestly say is I cannot wait to see another girl or boy who looks sad and tell them how beautiful they are. Even in the midst of pain and chaos, God is faithful.
Yes, there it is. My three-letter-word: “fat” has changed into a three-worded-statement: “God is faithful.”
That is what I remind myself everyday.
**This is a pitcure that was taken with two incrediable Thai women who love the Lord. We are in Life Group together and they have been very supportive and loving, espeically when I shared my struggles of weight with them. Pee Nok (the woman on the right, edited this picture and wrote how God is always with us... His faithfullness truly never fails.